Welcome to a new episode of the Road to Self podcast, Freedom and Authenticity. I once wrote that feeling free is a personal choice and a state of mind. How do we access it?
We hear the word authenticity a lot. A leader is valued for authenticity, a message for being authentic, a product that is authentic, we are in turn encouraged to be ourselves, to be authentic. What is the definition of authentic? ''That which conforms to the truth, whose reality cannot be doubted; recognized as proper to an author or era.'' It is also said that we are the creators of our own lives - no pressure! Often, we decide to embrace such uplifting inducements after reading an inspirational book, when watching a movie or while listening to an impactful podcast, perhaps after having a conversation with a friend, or maybe after a session with a coach or with a therapist. It seems to steer an inner revolution and that's it, from tomorrow we'll speak our mind, we will have that real conversation, we will take that long-delayed decision, we will quit smoking or we will start exercising, following a proper diet and whatever else we feel needs to happen. Once the next day starts, we may still have that urge present, just as strong or less so. But something happens, apparently out of our control. It's raining outside or we wake up late, maybe we have a headache, that lucky or just that blue blouse we set out to wear this day isn't in the closet or it's untucked, the bus is late or the traffic is super heavy this morning ... and most of the time we decide it's too hard under these conditions to follow through on the approach we set out to take the day before.
... or maybe everything is wonderful, the sun is shining, we feel good and just as confident. We get to meet that person we've long wanted to tell what's really on our minds or how we really feel. A conversation begins which, if we did not initiate it for the purpose mentioned earlier, follows a pre-determined path like many others. We wait for a moment, maybe we try to create one, but somehow we decide to leave it for another time. Why overshadow this day when we feel wonderful? Why take a risk? Or maybe we even manage to open the subject. The heart begins to beat harder, the intracranial pressure seems to rise. We say something, somehow. Maybe there's a pause and it feels big, big to us. Anxieties, doubts, perhaps regrets begin to arise. In how many situations like this do we try to take our words back? What if the person in front of us reacts emotionally? Or perhaps downplays the importance we had attached to it? What if he or she convinces us otherwise? What if they put us in our place...? What if the initial impulse fades and we delay the revolution a little longer?
Obviously there are times when we record successes, far be it from me to now make a stop frame presenting only apparent failures. I have pointed out instances that occur in the lives of many of us, namely things we sometimes tell ourselves that seem to keep us in a vicious circle.
Why is this happening?
Keeping as a disclaimer that there are multiple elements that can be potential causes and honoring individuality, I want to talk a bit about a concept that states that each of us has a personal representation of the external world and specific responses to external events based on personal experiences, on the patterns we have chosen and choose to follow, consciously or not, on personal values, inherited judgments, beliefs transmitted or generally valid in society, the traumas of the nation, of the family and of the individual, the inner expectations, the unfulfilled needs and/or needs that we try to fulfil from an unilateral source or from some that are harmful to us, the identity we built for status and as exposure to society/environment, the illusions that we maintain out of the fear of exposing ourselves to an apparently unfriendly reality, of the perpetuation of life contexts from the comfort of a state of control and apparent security, from taken-for-granted perceptions and thoughts - bad with bad, but worse without the bad, don't let the sparrow out of the hand for the crow on the fence, from fears that we have each of us developed from our own experiences or have been induced through the experiences of prominent figures in our lives, from the acquired desire for social conformity, from the fear that without conforming to expectations, we will be excluded or ridiculed by communities and by the world that promote role models and examples, by educational institutions that follow outwardly oriented programs and activities - how to fit in and less how to know and discover, hear and follow your inner voice and calling, by a system that is created for conditioning and patterns and less for support and integration.
We hear the word authenticity a lot. A leader is valued for authenticity, we are encouraged to be ourselves, to be authentic. What is the definition of authentic? ''That which conforms to truth, whose reality cannot be doubted; recognized as proper to an author or era.'' It is also said that we are the creators of our own lives.
How does this paragraph sound now? How easy is it to go back to who we were before we were told who we were supposed to be, when we have created conditionings, masks, roles that are so intensely embedded in our own selves? Can we still be authentic? Who do we ask to be authentic? The one who has come to be today? Or to the one who used to be, but no longer knows who he was and how?
It may seem that we have reached a dead end or that we are encouraged to be authentic by a world in which we have not only been educated and conditioned to conform, but which has rigid structures, promotes mass solutions, standardization, absolute digitalization, including the basics of internal regulations for a so-called progress, one size/solution to fit all, indirectly engendering the disconnection from oneself, the feeling of powerlessness and of not being good enough if you do not keep up with the new trends, the inner conflict that can arise when you feel the need for change and yet you fear that you will not succeed otherwise than by accessing slightly different contexts, but which follow similar patterns and structures. It seems as if you don't know any better.
The good news is that each of us has the ability to reconnect with ourselves whenever we really want to. The less good news is that self-discipline and introspection are essential in restoring this circuit. Choosing to return to ourselves, with empathy and understanding, with the openness to see our lights and shadows, to understand our current modus operandi in order to correctly determine when we turn to everyday distractions, what our deeply ingrained habits are, what our inner discourse is, what our limiting beliefs are, what our expectations are that return seemingly different results, how we meet our needs, to identify harmful sources, selfish desires, suffering from external comparisons, etc.
Yes, it may seem that I have listed predominantly negative elements. Perhaps we will discover that we are carrying a lot of baggage with us, and some things that do not belong to us. Perhaps we will remember unfulfilled aspirations and dreams, compare them with our immediate reality, with what we have built and seems impossible to change from what we really wanted or what represents us. But perhaps this apparent disillusionment can help us understand where the rupture is, either in the way we have constructed patterns or in tolerating contexts that we do not really resonate with, that we have accepted out of fear, out of a desire to control an apparent security given by predictability, by the illusion of acceptance of self and others, of status.
When working with people, I sometimes ask the question: which of the following is biggest? The immediate cost of leaving a context that does not represent you, that brings you frustrations that you have apparently managed over time to tolerate to a level that now seems acceptable, that gives you a so-called stability and predictability, the idea that you own something, is socially acceptable and therefore implies the idea of giving up, of loss ... you may add any arguments that you could bring to the table as reasons for not acting .... ? Or the cumulative long-term cost of staying, with all the frustration you've piled up, but have reduced in importance? Or put in another way, if you say no now, choosing to perpetuate the current state, what else are you saying no to, what opportunities are you missing? If you say yes and end the current state, what are you saying yes to, what are the opportunities you can access and what do you gain by doing so in the long run? It's actually the logical activity, effort, outcome. To believe that doing the same thing over and over, in the same way and at the same pace, will return different results, is more than likely an illusion ... the change we all expect to magically solve all our problems will always involve a different action, attitude, context on the part of the one who wants it. And if you want to win the lottery, you need to buy a ticket (remember the joke about Yitzchak praying to God to win the lottery - God grant that I win the lottery, God grant that I win the lottery ... He prayed like that for 50 years until God said: - Yitzchak, please give me a chance, play just once). And yes, embracing change means advance preparation, discipline and practice. Establishing what you want and why, what the impact is, what you are really after, what success looks like for you. Let's say you end up winning the lottery, do you have a plan already in place for what you're going to do with the money? Or maybe you think you'll know right then and there? What needs from the past will you try to fulfil with your old methods, forgetting that the new situation potentially brings a different path and a different way of doing things?
In the following episodes, I will address in more detail the themes of discovering personal values, identifying individual needs and how to fulfil them, and building and deconstructing habits.
Until then, I invite you to a new exercise of personal reflection, journaling. Depending on your personal availability, you can choose to do it in writing or to record yourself audio, on your phone for example. In terms of preparation, you need to allocate between 30 and 60 minutes, to be in a space where you won't be disturbed or interrupted. Allow your body and mind to relax, be willing to connect more deeply with yourself. Imagine being in a time and space, i.e. in a harmonious context and in a state of being with no restrictions on expression, no conditioning of any kind, no pressures and constraints, where you feel free. What do you want? What are you doing now? How does such a day and your life look like? How do you feel doing those things? How does it feel in your body? And how does your voice sound now? What are the words you have chosen? Have you caught yourself listing items like "must"? What or who interrupts you, what things get in the way or distract you from the activity?
To the extent that the experience was completely free and you were able to live it to the fullest, what is preventing you from manifesting it here and now in your life?