Welcome to a new episode of the Road to Self podcast.

I'm Laura Vlaicu, Life & Career Change Strategist and today I want to talk to you about Self Relationship in the Digital Age.

If you were to compare your existence before the mobile phone existed in your lif and after you started to use it, in what significant ways has it changed? Address the positive and less positive areas. Could you live without a smartphone today? Or, if you don't have it at your disposal for a while, after how long do you think you would have a real problem because you don't have it handy? And what exactly would be irreplaceable from what this object gives you? Without a doubt, a smartphone is an extremely useful tool, it can support a wide range of activities and fulfil various needs at any time and at a few clicks away. Apart from basic human needs, this object can instantly fulfil needs such as variety by accessing a movie, a game or social media pages, connection by entering into conversations with friends or new people, status recognition by creating a page or relevant content in your field of expertise, growth by being exposed to and by accumulating information and knowledge, reassurance that you can achieve a state of well-being by accessing apps, contribution by sharing ideas and resources or by immediately donating funds to a cause or person. I have listed the 6 needs from Tony Robbins. It would seem that I have provided a good part of the arguments why a smartphone is the ideal purchase, of maximum utility nowadays. And, yes, it clearly is. I also have a few points to raise your attention on. There's nothing wrong with having a handy, quick and easy tool that can fulfil such needs. The problem can start when you predominantly fulfil your needs with the same element to the point where it becomes an addiction. That point where being easy makes you choose it over others. Or, whenever you get bored or want to take a break possibly from other multimedia equipment, you choose to turn on to your phone. And you do this when you're having lunch or talking to a friend, even when you're at the cinema or in a meeting. Or when you're sad and decide you don't want to experience it or address it. Or when you'd rather make sure you have your phone with you when you leave the house than your shopping list, or when you choose to take it with you to your bedroom because maybe the classic alarm clock doesn't work for you anymore, or maybe you'd rather do another scroll before sleeping than to read a book or write in a journal what items made your day great and others worth waking up the next morning. The reality is that many of us have a real problem if we don't always have access to our phone, for one reason or another. It's like you can't live without it or, not having it, you get into a state of near panic, the one where you say - I really need my phone. If you find yourself in the same story, you might want to take some time and reflect if you want to choose a healthier relationship with your smartphone. The problem with this addiction is that it can't be addressed in the same way as others. The context of life today is that we can't completely withdraw from using our phone and replace it entirely with another item that can be a substitute for a need as is recommended with other addictions. While prior to the pandemic, according to several studies (e.g. the one initiated by Deloitte), 49 % of smartphone owners admitted to using it excessively, during the pandemic, internet access increased by more than 50%, and many users remained with a high level of use even after the relaxation of pandemic conditions, when the possibility of resuming most activities became a tangible option again.

I suggest you stop for a moment and check on your phone what your screen time was yesterday? In other words, how long did you use your phone? It would be interesting to see what for. How many minutes or hours did you use it for utility itself - to take a picture, to be productive? The rest? How much time did you spend on social media not connected with your job and how much time on other entertainment-type items? Out of the 12 potentially productive hours how many were spent on your phone? Now extend the period a bit and put together all the hours used the same way over a week, a month ... extend the period yourself and maybe it would help to ask yourself is it worth it? And what and how many things that you put off doing for lack of time ... could you do today if you spent less time on your smartphone?

Here's an idea I want to share with you. Once a circuit such as managing less desirable emotions such as boredom by turning to your mobile phone for instant gratification or unexpected rewards such as new and new likes on a social media post for example, has been reinforced enough times, it will work like any other trigger. Every time a less pleasant emotion or boredom arises, a new notification received on the phone, a possible fear of missing something on social media, we will reach for the phone again. We'll get our dopamine dose and we'll want it in ever-increasing doses, knowing that we're almost certain to be able to get it relatively quickly and easily, so we'll look at our phone more and more often.

Among the consequences of excessive mobile phone use is a decrease in the quality of our sleep. Not only, as I mentioned in an article on the subject, does exposing ourselves to the blue light of the phone screen decrease the production of melatonin, the hormone that controls the circadian rhythm, making it harder to fall asleep and wake up the next day, but it can also make us less likely to settle our minds, which is so important before sleep. We often experience disturbances in emotional balance - anxiety, depression, sadness. Whether we watch alarming news, study posts out of which we generate personal comparisons, notice differences, artificial competition or lack of recognition, or don't feel that expected connection or response. And all of this often happens without the natural feedback of face-to-face, human connection. And at the same time, by using the phone to get through a less pleasant state at the expense of experiencing and managing emotions as they arise, it leads over time to a real and profound disconnection from self. We mention how most interactions evolve more recently when, instead of looking at each other, paying full attention and being present in the totality of the interaction, having a chance to notice what we are not being told, we look at our mobile phone every time a notification pops up or remember to check something else on social media, the internet or email. And so we may end up wondering why we no longer feel a real connection with those around us, why we may get blamed for not paying enough attention to our relationships with those close to us, for not feeling engaged.

Another consequence of overuse of multimedia equipment, and possibly several at the same time (TV, phone, computer), is the increase of cognitive deficits in attention and memory. We can add to the list reduced interest in studying and learning, failure to complete activities that have been started and reduced emotional control.

When we have become accustomed to having several pieces of technological equipment switched on at the same time while possibly working on a computer, for example, we can consider that we are engaged in several activities and have the illusion that we are operating at an increased cognitive capacity. That is, as some of us like to write in our CVs, we are multi-tasking. Although there are a few of us who can actually do this - 3 % of the population to be precise, the reality is that what we are actually doing is task-switching, i.e. switching from one operation to another. That is, structurally, our brains can only perform one type of operation at a time. Cognitively, it is impossible to write a PhD thesis and at the very same time to watch a TV show about a topic that is important to you, managing to concentrate optimally on both, and drawing a relevant conclusion about one of them. Most probably, when the TV show discusses an issue that interests you, you will look up from your thesis and watch that sequence, returning later and repeating the process perhaps several times. Maybe in the meantime a few notifications come up on your phone and again you take your eyes to something other than the thesis. Apart from the fact that, after a certain amount of time spent in this way, you will feel more tired, you may find that the paper has mistakes, that your pace and performance slows down or that your mood is perhaps more agitated or less good. Research shows that over time, such behaviour has impact on our decision-making, error detection processes, generates more stress and anxiety, and leads to greater mental fatigue, reduced concentration and attention span. We become more sensitive to stimuli such as notifications on our phone, and as a result we become more easily distracted, our ability to analyse what we observe is reduced, the tendency to daydream when we are online increases, the ability to be present in our interactions with ourselves and others, practically in our own lives, decreases.

How can we restore balance?

A first method is the active practice of mindfulness techniques, and by mindfulness I mean the state of being aware of what happens when it happens without attaching a label or judgment to it, the ability to direct your attention flexibly and with intention to what you are experiencing, including on a sensory, emotional, cognitive level, to be fully engaged in that process, to choose a response to a situation instead of the primary, emotional reaction. Formal techniques are meditative practices or those of reconnecting with your own body, mindful breathing, journaling which I talked about in a previous episode, but also informal, everyday ones - outdoor sports activities or those related to hobbies, playing offline games with friends - chess, Cluedo, Scrabble, enjoying your morning coffee - the aroma, the warmth, the texture, spending time with your pet, focusing on simple experiences that have become automatic - when you do the dishes for example, the feel of water on your hands, the scent of dishwashing liquid, the lather that forms, the touch and sound of clean dishes, walking down the street - the sound of footsteps on the street, touching a leaf, a puddle of water, the sound of the wind moving leaves, of birds or cars, noticing the faces of the people you meet or the facades of the buildings you pass by, feeling the warmth of the sun or the splash of rain drops, the hardness of the asphalt or the softness of the grass or perhaps a muddy patch. Things so simple and ordinary, but which allow us a real connection with our own presence in this world, in this space, on this time and with others. In the process, we can experience less pleasant emotions, notice them and choose to address them in a way that can help us resolve the real causes, either by calling in a coach, a therapist if appropriate, or identifying alternative sources of fulfilling our emotional needs.

You may benefit from a conscious phone use - set your phone usage limits today. You can always opt out of notifications - choose when, how long and where you want to spend your attention on your phone. When you have activities where it's preferable to be 100 % present - when you're spending time with loved ones, when you're in meetings, in class or creating, working on an important project, when you're eating lunch or getting ready for bed, put your phone away, it has no other role at such times than to distract you, to consume your energy.

The technique of journaling can help you to write down the different circumstances of the day when you reach out to your phone, other than those of real use. You will be able to identify certain patterns (times of day, places, people, activities, moods, such as boredom, anxiety, fear of missing something new) and you will be able to reflect, identify and use other ways that can give you the same results. Each time you choose the alternative, give yourself a reward and celebrate the moment. Do the same when you manage to spend less time on your phone. Repeat this and you will establish new neural circuits that will rewire your phone habit at those times. This process can take days, weeks or months. Give yourself this time and offer yourself compassion when you deviate. Stick to your goal and practice what you set out to do with every chance you get and you make it happen.

If you enjoyed this podcast, please share it with others who might find this information useful. You can get in touch with me at the following link - https://lauravlaicu.com/lucreaza-cu-mine/.